The boys (12 and eight) are wild right now. They’re growing wings. Crashing, burning in some friendships; discovering things about us that they were blind to, or things we were at least able to ignore, when they were younger.
And, I love it.
I love the tension. The push-pull energizes me as does the edgy atmosphere that sometimes pervades the house, the street, gosh, our very universe.
I was never one to affirm everything – “ah, honey, you walk (and cough, and sneeze, and draw, and … on and on and on it goes absurdly on with some parents) so beautifully” – but have tried to affirm my children when affirmation is earned.
I affirm when it I think it is appropriate. I try to affirm when I feel it necessary. And so I don’t think they feel short-changed when their experience pegs them a little lower than some of their peers at a variety of activities.
When Thulani doesn’t do as well at something Thulani doesn’t have to try to make sense of what ever it is against the backdrop of a dad who has lavished praise for menial or expected or routine or poorly accomplished tasks. When Nate struggles at a Math problem he knows well that I do, too – and so his battle is (I hope) meaningfully contextualized, somewhat even expected.
I think things might be a little different for all three of us if, like some parents I know, I’d applauded their every bowel movement.
Yet, my children are experts in certain areas and experts to a greater degree than I ever anticipated.
Thulani is a seasoned, charming, diplomat. He’s just as comfortable meeting boys and girls his own age as I have seen him embrace and encounter dignitaries. Thulani is charm. He has a natural ease with adults. The boy could run seminars on friendliness and hospitality and teach many hard-nosed adults whom I have met a thing or two about grace and good manners. Thulani gets people.
Nathanael is a natural athlete. There’s not a ball-game I don’t think he could master and his ease on ice-skates is something to behold. Nate’s body is his instrument and he plays it like a maestro. Athletics aside, his attraction to dogs and his way with them moves me every time I see him in action. Then, athletics and animals aside, give the boy a service task and he’s (usually) on it. He’ll cook with me. He’ll serve his brother food. He’ll mop the floors. He’ll offer me tender loving care if I am feeling under the weather.
Yes. The boys are wild right now. We fight over stuff.
They’ve discovered we are not as wealthy as most of their friends. They accommodate a dad who is older, a house that is older, and, hopefully, they have discovered they live in an environment where it is safe (usually) to live without pretending to be something they are not. There, – now that is, I believe, something worthy of both affirmation and applause.
